worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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