He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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