Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
