you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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