Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
