If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
