Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
