I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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