Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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