She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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