If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I had to cum in my sink.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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