that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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