when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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