see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
