I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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