tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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