Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
