i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
