Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
