I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
