I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
