phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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