How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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