I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
