Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
