I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
