my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
