the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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