I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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