i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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