my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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