good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
