She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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