how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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