So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
