I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
