sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
