oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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