Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize