I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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