THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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