I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
