Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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