Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize