her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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