You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
