I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You took a bar mat shot.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
