me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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