he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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