Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
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