so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize