i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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