If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
