Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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