you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
