i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
