Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
